He that eateth my flesh
and drinketh my blood
abideth in me,
and I in him.
John 6:56 RV
I had a terrible weekend. I need not go into details, but it was dreadful (Let's say St John's Wort stopped working)
To be fair, things have been on a gradual decline for the past few weeks, including where I am within my spiritual development.
I believe questioning one's faith is vital for development. However, I have been feeling somewhat detached from it all of late: church, spirit, word; the whole lot.
Anyway, on Sunday, I went to Mass in my grim state and found the whole thing flat and difficult. When saying the Creed, I heard myself mumbling what I believed, but they were words; not beliefs. When it came to recieving Communion I could not look my Priest in the eye to receive the bread. Nor the Chalice assistant.
Walking back to my pew, I was relieved.
When I knelt to pray, I was overwhelmed. Tears streamed down my face. I could feel them running down my neck. My body was shaking, my mouth quivering. It was very real and uncontrollable. Then there was a slight brief taste of blood. I felt relaxed and relieved, and was wondering why I had felt so bad. When I stood up to leave, I saw my tear splatters on the wooden floor. In embarrassment, I left without saying anything to anyone.
This experience reminded me of the reality of my faith. Wherever my head is, no matter how bleak, or "rational" or mystical, God is there. Not as an idea, or a concept, or something to question; but as an undeniable presence that goes beyond thought.
God is love;
and he that abideth in love
abideth in God,
and God abideth in him.
1 John 4:16 RV